From Two-cent Ernie
Article III
Hi! I’m Ernie. It’s about time someone got some FACTS straight about how I think, and why I act the way I do. So here is my two-cents worth.
Every night after the humans and Rocky, the dog, have gone to bed, the two youngest kitty-members of the family, E~Z and Casey--both just over a year--join Casper and me in playing tag, chasing each other down the hall, playing hockey with what ever we can find to skid across the floor. (Of course, Mama-Queenie, wouldn't think of playing with us.) But soon I become tired. After all, I am seventeen pounds and don't have as much energy as those little guys. So I jump up on the computer desk and find a nice scrap of paper that I can grab. I like leaving love notes for my humans, on the floor by their bedroom door. I make sure I put in plenty of teeth-marks so they know the note is from me. After that I curl up on one of the office chairs, where I sleep until I hear my slave getting up. Oh good! Now it's time for my morning treat. Then I help make the bed. Now it’s my turn to take over the bed and sleep for the rest of the day.
Some people say cats aren’t smart. They say dogs are smarter.
FACT: “Some people compare the intelligence of cats to dogs, using the example of training to ‘prove’ that dogs are smarter.” (I didn’t think this up all myself. I copied it from a book H has on her desk. I may be copying other stuff too; so don’t get the idea that I am super-smart.) This stuff I am giving you is meant for MOST cats.
Back to my point: “The FACT that cats can’t be trained like dogs only means cats don’t think like dogs.” Think about it–my own idea–have you ever heard of a dog that can be trained to be neat and tidy, cleaning themselves from head to toe, like we cats do? Or do dogs use a special place to do their ‘do-dos’? Like a litter box? Do dogs cover up their ‘do-dos’, like we do? Cats are easy to train that way. FACT we always knew how to do this. Mommy showed me just once. I’ve done it that way ever since. Why didn’t Rocky’s dog-mommy train him to do that? Oh no! Rocky has to be let outside all the time. H and H have to stop what they are doing to let him out, or take him out. What a drag!
FACT: You can’t make us cats do anything we don’t want to do. We are not like dogs--just puppets. They do as their humans tell them—at least most of them do. I think Rocky must be part cat. He doesn't always do what he is told. … And don’t get the idea that slapping or punishing a cat is going to do any good. We will either bite or scratch you, or we will run away and hide. I know I would hide, but H & H don’t hit me, so I don’t know for sure what I would do. But FACT: the best solution to behavior problems is to think of us as small children. Teach us simple rules. Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but FACT: have a squirt bottle full of water, or a can filled with rocks, or clap your hands real hard, if you see us doing something you think we shouldn’t do. I know H & H just clap their hands. That’s enough for me. Oh yea, they sometimes go “AH! AH!” real loud. Then I’m outa' here real fast. And ya know what else happens when they do the “Ah, Ah” thing? Rocky gets in on the act and chases whichever one of us kitties is being bad. I hate that.
FACT: When you scold a cat, just go about your business. Don’t start feeling bad that you got mad, and go and apologize to us. That unduz everything you tried to teach us. And FACT: we lose respect for you, and won’t listen next time.
FACT: This is something else that humans do (not MY humans). They punish kitty AFTER he has done something wrong, like knock over a glass of milk. A few seconds after he has done her bad deed, he has forgotten all about it, and is looking for something else bad to do. A good example of this behavior is E~Z. I don't think he has a conscience. So if you come along and scold kitty for the spilled milk, he won’t have a clue what you’re going on about. So FACT: catch him in the act. Do what you have to do. Then forget it. Kitty will have.
FACT: Some good things we do, and why–-
a. Why do we rub? Cats like touching people. I know I like going up to people (yes, I do have my favorites), and rub against their legs. You see, cats use scent as communication. The cheeks, chin, and base of the tail of a cat have more sebaceous glands than the rest of the cat’s body. ...These glands secrete body oils with the cat’s odor.” That’s big talk. Now for my version of this. We love to be scratched in these places, under the chin, behind the ears, top of our tail.
b. Why do we knead? When I was a kitten I used to knead Mommy to make her milk come down. Now I knead because I am happy and contented, and like to tell H & H that.
c. Why do we purr? Lots of people say we purr because we are happy. True. But that’s not the only reason. We have lots of purrs. We purr when we greet you. This is a short “purr-meow” sound. We purr when we want food or attention. This is a short murmur-purr. We purr when we are contented. This is a continuous purr. Sometimes we purr so softly that humans can’t hear us. We even purr when we are stressed. That is a nervous-purr—a little louder than a contented purr. When we snooze we can purr, but when we really sleep, we do not purr. But sometimes we snore. I know Casper does. I have heard him.
d. Why do we roll over? I don’t know about other cats, but I roll over when I want to play, or be rubbed, or–in my case–I want to be fed. H. leaves dry cat food down for us all the time, but in the morning, she opens a can of food and puts a bit on our special dish. It’s never enough. She only allows us one small tin amongst the five of us. (But what she doesn’t know is, Casper and E~Z don’t like it, so that leaves more for Casey and Mommy and me.)
e. Why do we raise our tails? This is a gesture of friendliness. When H. & H. come home from town, we greet them, all of us, and we raise our tails and walk in front of them, trying to trip them so they will notice us. Cats use a lot of body language. Ever noticed? Watch your cat’s eyes. Our eyes tell you a lot about us.
Oh! Oh! Here comes Helen. She gets upset when we mess up her computer. Got ta skidaddle outa' here. See ya..........
Ernie
2005 Update from Helen: Sad to say, "there is a time to live and a time to die." Ernie is no longer with us, but he will always be remembered. No other cat will be able to take his place. Each cat has its own distinct "catonality."
© Helen Dowd
